I never thought I’d be writing this nor have I ever thought I was ever going to lose you, my best friend and significant other- ex-significant other, if we’re getting logical and accurate. You were my best friend, you assisted me in healing after being crushed before, you made me laugh and smile with genuine happiness when it felt like everything was bleak and empty. Maybe you and I can figure out where things began to fall apart together, because I have no clue.
I loved you. Excuse me, I love you and I don’t think that’s ever going to be false. Did you love me or was that a lie? Was it all an act? If it were, you deserve an Oscar for your award-winning performance. Did you mean it when you told me I deserve the world? Did you think that I was someone… something to use, change, and ruin? Tell me what about me makes you think I’m so useless and expendable to someone like you.
I miss your smile, the lightest tone of blue in your eyes, the pitch of your laugh when you’re actually happy, I miss your hair and the way you were so delicate with me. I miss your hands, I miss the way you smell. You are something to miss, someone to miss. I know you don’t want to read this, you didn’t even want to talk to me to fix what went wrong. Knowing that I miss you is probably an ego boost, makes you feel more attractive and worthy than you already feel.
I would like to know if my supporting you when you went away and got help was just a cushion for the time being. Was my support your temporary lifeboat on the ocean that’s trying to swallow you whole and drown you in the depths of itself? Was my flotation not enough for you? A better lifeboat comes along that looks better than me but does the exact same thing and you abort ship and hop onto the newer, better looking boat. I did the same thing for you but she looked nicer, prettier even. Did my support just keep you afloat while you were trying to stay sane in that place? I was temporary and you didn’t intend on keeping me. In the middle of the exchange from my boat to the new one, you popped my sides. You floated away and left me to drown in the dark, cold depths of the ocean. We traded spots, you broke a perfectly capable boat. You destroyed me and now I’m just another piece of trash swishing helplessly through the ocean, polluting it, killing the life, the dark ocean we know created.
None of this is an attempt to gain pity or attention of any kind. It’s to inform you, to tell you that you broke me. You refused to solve our ‘problem’ that wasn’t even a problem. You made it a problem. You let our problems fester and infect itself like a wound. It wasn’t a deep cut but as usual, if you leave it untreated for a while, it will get worse. It was a week of you ignoring me, arguing with me, blaming me for the problem that I didn’t even know existed.
I gave up.
At some point, I got time to think in between all those unread texts and I realized that I deserve better, that I deserve to be trusted, that I deserve so much more love than what you were offering me. You weren’t trying to fix the problem, which meant you didn’t want to. That meant there wasn’t a direction for the relationship to go in other than the dark and terrible because I never thought I’d be the one to break up with you. I didn’t want to be because I love you. I never wanted to be the one to break up with you but I had time between being left on read and being yelled at for something I didn’t do, to decided that I would be better off alone.